More Asperger Traits

Internally, being a person with Asperger’s is complete hell.  The internal battle is neverending, and at times I want to give up. My mind alone races about two hundred miles per hour.  Sleeping at night is a luxury not easily found for us Aspie’s.  And even if I were to fall asleep, I dream nonstop.  I read somewhere the typical person barely remembers their dreams.  I wish I could forget most of mine.  My dreams are all in color and vivid. I can recall dreams from my earliest childhood.

My imagination was off the charts.  I imagined I was a male dog named Pete.  I played this role from the time I was three or four and stopped once I started school.  I would role play while laying in bed at night and drive my sister crazy.  She would get annoyed because I talked out loud and she was trying to sleep.

I would play with dolls some of the time, but I enjoyed playing with my brother’s trucks. Aspie’s can gravitate towards gender opposite things.  I always considered myself a tomboy even though my mom would try to force me to act more like a girl.  I hated anything related to shopping, grocery, clothes, etc…  I thought it was boring and it brought on a lot of anxiety when my parents would take me.

A trait that has stuck with me since I had teeth was biting my nails.  Everyone including my family attempted to get me to quit.  I would chew my nails and even the skin around my nails.  My father hated I bit them, and one day he tried clipping them with clippers. He eventually left me alone.  My mom and sister bit their nails, but I knew it was because of their nerves. I ate mine just because it helped me focus.  It sounds strange, but for an Aspie, it is a way for us to keep our mind’s from going everywhere. Plus, I usually am lost in my thought’s and am tuning out the noise of the world.

I love isolation.  I had friends growing up, but as I would get overwhelmed, I would retreat to my inner self.  I felt safe and could reconnect.  Living in Canada helped tremendously when my anxiety would hit.  I could go home, and take a stroll around our motel and take in all of nature.  It helped to replenish me.

I knew I was a pain in the butt to my friends at times.  I look back and realize I had moments where I wanted to be the center of attention. I craved and longed to get noticed.  It is a dichotomy for an Aspie.  We want the attention, yet can handle it for so long, and want to be left alone.   When I got older, I would converse more with males than females. For me, most girls talked about boys, shopping, makeup, and clothes.  None of those ever interested me.

I never took criticism well.  It took me until the past few years to train my brain on the difference between correction and criticism.  I thought all criticism meant I did everything wrong.  I felt all my life no matter what I tried to do it was incorrect.  I am sure there were times my mom was correcting me when I thought she hated me.  It is a relief I can distinguish between a person being critical versus helpful. I still have moments where I question, but it is no longer crippling.

I can attest I am a complete klutz.  I could never understand dance moves or anything requiring some motor skill.  It is another aspect of having Asperger’s; we are clumsy. Sports were not a thing for me either since my timing was off.  Coordination was not a strong suit. My mind would try to follow the steps needed, but my body couldn’t agree.

My memory for certain things was phenomenal.  I could remember actors or actresses who starred in a particular movie even if I never saw it.  I could recall the names of most films and what the story entailed.  People would ask about a specific movie, and I could rattle off the storyline.  I had a fantastic memory for trivial things.

Confusion hit a lot of times.  I had teachers in school to teach on a specific subject, and I would be in a state of confusion.  Everyone else in the class would get it.  I would sit and stare wondering what he or she just said.  In my brain, it comprehended the material presented as foreign.  I felt inadequate and stupid most times.  Another difficulty is people who rattle off numbers and expect me to write it down.  For some odd reason, my brain cannot understand it.  I researched it and discovered it is a learning disability.

My hygiene was lackluster as a preteen.  I didn’t understand the concept of my body changing and needed to be kept clean.  It was my brother who told me about putting on deodorant.  I guess I started to smell bad so pointed it out.  My worst moment was when I first got my period.

My mom never sat and explained about periods at all.  I remember sitting in sixth grade and felt a weird sensation on my underwear. I asked the nun to excuse me to the bathroom.  I sat in the stall staring at the blood.  I was terrified.  I went back to class and mentioned it to a couple of the girls.  I was scared to say anything to the nun. One of the girls got up and told her.  I got excused to go to the principal’s office.  Thankfully, the school secretary explained what a pad was and how to use one.  When my mom got home from work, my grandmother told her what happened.  My mom only asked how I felt physically and that was it.  She never discussed menstruation or anything related to my body.

I had a hard time fitting in while a preteen/teenager.  It was a confusing time.  I had already endured tons of abuse, my parent’s divorce and my mom taking out her anger towards me.  I wanted to die many times.  The pain of trying to belong and not being able to fit in took a heavy toll.  It was a miracle I survived.

There are other traits I had being an Aspie.  I will share more in later posts.

 

 

 

 

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One Reply to “More Asperger Traits”

  1. Thank you for sharing! I think Your blog will help many people. As a speech pathologist, (now retired) I worked with several students with Autism and a handful with Asperger’s. Reading your blog is helpful in understanding! I hope teachers and therapists find your blog to read!! Increasing understanding is so important.

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