I feel like garbage most days. I think between being perimenopausal and having Asperger’s my body and mind get taxed. I fight to not get into the depressive mode to not do anything. I found writing is my outlet to take my mind off of the pain. It’s interesting I have written new poems daily for the past month. I probably missed a couple of times here and there, but I’ve been consistent. It’s been challenging since my brain is in a constant fog. I churn the poems out and somehow people like them on social media.
I get scared of putting my work out there since I have low self-esteem. I push to do it because it’s the only way to overcome my fear of rejection. One social media site, in particular, I gain followers, and then they unfollow me. I go through the gambit of what did I do wrong, what didn’t they like about my poetry. I posted my blog a few times on this same site and saw followers unfollow. Again, I questioned what did I do wrong? Finally, this week, I have trained myself to stop looking at the number of people unfollowing me, and post my work without worrying about it.
I am more confident, now that I am not concentrating on the number of followers. The other social media outlet I utilize is terrific. I don’t look at the numbers and have met some awesome people from all over the world. I can share my poetry and blog posts on the site. I have met great individuals that have encouraged me even though I doubt my work. My fear of rejection has haunted me my entire life. It didn’t help when I was young; some of my family would call me lazy and stupid. I tried different things in my life to showcase my work, but never like what I am doing now. My husband and daughter are supportive of my efforts as are some people I have come to know on one social media site. I am thankful for them and all the support.
Fear of rejection has dogged me my entire life. I never fit into the social norms of society, so I got pushed aside. Hiding away from everyone seemed to be my best defense. To this day, I have no friends, but I am comfortable with it. It is more stress to attempt outside relationships at this point. Maybe once I am done going through the change, things might look different to me. Right now, day to day tasks such as writing is a chore. I hate being in this place and at times, wish I could fade away. I fight through the battle each day, reminding myself I have a purpose in this life.
Challenges for a person with Asperger’s is taxing not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally. It is no wonder I saw a statistic that shows the average life expectancy for a woman with Asperger’s is fifty-seven. I thought all that I was experiencing with Asperger’s is horrible until going through “the change.” It’s taken all my sensitivities and heightened about ten times. As I am typing this blog, my skin feels like it is crawling, and my anxiety is through the roof. It is the reason I stay isolated, because of feeling like I am always on edge. I am surprised I can write, but I attribute that to divine inspiration. It’s what keeps me motivated.
In spite of what I feel like at the moment, I try to offer encouragement to others. Of course, I don’t visit many places outside of home other than coffee shops or the occasional restaurant. I tend to give my little uplifts through social media. I read a lot of others like me struggling with Asperger’s and are lost and feel rejected. I share my experiences with them and tell them they are not alone. Particular posts, where the person is contemplating suicide, I implore them to seek help immediately. Other times, if the individual is sharing they feel worthless, I tell them how they are needed and worthy.
We all need validation. I struggle every day that I am worthy and have a purpose in the world. It is a daily challenge lately, to get up in the morning and continue what I am doing. I ask myself is what I am doing good enough? Does my writing have or make a difference in anyone’s life? I deal with those type of questions on top of the aspects of Asperger’s. I get tired and weary. I am hoping one day I will stop feeling so horrible inside and out.
Having Asperger’s is not an easy ordeal. Coupled with everything else life throws in the way, it is a long hard road. My best bet is to keep pressing forward, and affirming others along the way. I want to see people thrive and not suffer on such intensity. It doesn’t matter whether the person has Asperger’s, mental illness, disease or other challenges in life, we need to be there for one another. It is essential to esteem each other on a daily basis. It is a blessing to see people soar above their afflictions.